Motherhood, Irrational Motherhood

Everyday begins the same way, I wake up my Warrior Princess, I wash her face, change her into her clothing for the day, give her a run down (date, weather, schedule for the day) and feed her. I do my own morning routine (wash my face, pump milk, eat breakfast) before she wakes up. Occasionally our routines collide (she wakes up early, I accidentally sleep in late) and I just wish that someone was there to help me.

Enter my husband, Matt.

Matt is usually off to work in the morning before our little one wakes up but on the weekends when he isn’t working, he’ll help with her morning routine. One Saturday he was doing her morning routine while I was making myself something to eat.

I found myself giving detailed instructions on how to wash her face even though he’d done it before. I pulled out her outfit for the day, I made sure he could find her face cloth which was hanging up on the towel rack. I reminded him about her gum massage. I hovered by the door with a spoon in my hand.

I sent myself back to the kitchen because I didn’t want it to seem like I didn’t trust him.

I stared down at my breakfast and all I could think about is how I’m not doing her morning routine and that I miss doing it. I do it But this one time is tearing me apart.

I thought I wanted to make myself breakfast but now I feel like I’d rather starve than not wash the gunk out of her eyes.

When I’m home alone with her, feeling like I’ll never get the basics accomplished, I mentally long for someone to help me and now that I do have help, I don’t want it. Well, not that help. If someone could just feed me while I watch her sleep, that’s probably more of what I want. My arms are tired but I don’t want to stop holding her but if I could just grow another arm…?

Ahhh motherhood, you irrational gal, you.